I just found this poem and couldn’t remember if I posted it or not already. So if I have, my apologies…
I chase it, but to all the wrong places.
Where I find it, it visits,
But only overnight.
I know where its true source lies
Not within me – where callous voices reign
But outside, in the love of my Creator.
My mind remains restless, divided.
The lies tearing at me, trying to tear me down
Till nothing is left.
The truth I need to rescue me
Slowly, relentlessly, seeping into every corner of me
Yet not fully comprising my state of being.
I cannot compromise
Yet I cannot find victory completely.
All I can do is pray that
Here’s a new poem about how the people I love always stay with me…
They mark my heart
Each imprint a stain
An unbroken refrain
Calling me back to
Those I have loved.
So last night, I met one of the people I admire most in the world, my favorite musician for the past 12 years, Andrew McMahon (of Jack’s Mannequin, Something Corporate, and now Andrew McMahon In The Wilderness). I have been to many of his concerts, but never had the chance to meet him till now. I was nervous as hell, but how could I not? I had so much to say to him, but all I said was that I had been a fan of his since 2002, and had him sign one of my poetry notebooks and then took a picture with him (which is now displayed everywhere: my profile pic on FB, my phone, soon framed on my desk). After I left, I ran down the street screaming, and I’ve had a smile on my face ever since then. I just can’t believe I actually met him!! It was one of the best experiences of my life!
I just found this poem…it’s somewhat of a self-portrait.
Birthed of chaos and silent thunder
Here I stand
An amorphous amalgam
Seeing all but standing still
Fated for silence,
For battles of shame and defiance
Framed by expectation,
By alienation of affection.
Stepping right then left
I am captured
A portrait in stasis
But over all,
I am ruled by love.
So here’s a poem I wrote after feeling like life was just too constraining and I just wanted to do NOTHING.
My purpose is to please, obey
I cannot stretch, spread, doubt these lines
That have been drawn for me
Over and over.
I am an aggressive automaton,
Awakened by hope, need
I long to burst into flight,
A comet exploding, stretching
Into the emptiness of night.
No voices call my name,
No hours upon me restrain.
Only silence abounds.
And oh, the wonder
The marvelous wonder!
I am a tumbler, a tumbleweed
Here, I am free!
So here’s a new poem for you all. It’s been awhile since I wrote any poetry…
To a stone
Farther upon the horizon
Their cadence sings,
Each measure combining
In stop-motion phases
I am static
I am silent
I am safe
I am a flag, royal blue
As my brilliance fades away
When will I find my future, my rhythm, my song?
So, tonight was the final meeting of the spiritual formation group I was in, called Theodyssey. I could write an entire book on how it has changed me, but I will summarize it in just a few sentences.
It has made me someone who is much more at peace with who I am, not trying endlessly to be whatever pleases other people so I can feel accepted and loved. I don’t always worry about if I did enough to earn their approval or that one small mistake or awkward moment is going to make them think less of me, or not want to have a relationship with me any more.
I don’t think I am ever not going to care at all what people think of me, but it is so freeing to not always be striving for something that will never be fully there.
I am so going to miss all of the people in my group. Just being with them every week was so healing, so comfortable, so satisfying. I am about to cry just thinking about how much I will miss them! They saw me for who I truly was and still loved and accepted me, and I am so thankful for them!
I only hope that I can stay where I am in this peace, and that I will find a way to share what I have learned with others.