My random thoughts and sometimes poems

So here’s a new poem for you all. It’s been awhile since I wrote any poetry…

Tethered
Am I
To a stone

A figure,
Shadowed,
Farther upon the horizon

Gazing across
The chasm,
Ever expanding

Their cadence sings,
Each measure combining
In stop-motion phases

I am static
I am silent
I am safe

I am a flag, royal blue
Furling slowly
As my brilliance fades away

When will I find my future,  my rhythm,  my song?

So, tonight was the final meeting of the spiritual formation group I was in, called Theodyssey.  I could write an entire book on how it has changed me, but I will summarize it in just a few sentences.

It has made me someone who is much more at peace with who I am, not trying endlessly to be whatever pleases other people so I can feel accepted and loved.  I don’t always worry about if I did enough to earn their approval or that one small mistake or awkward moment is going to make them think less of me, or not want to have a relationship with me any more.

I don’t think I am ever not going to care at all what people think of me, but it is so freeing to not always be striving for something that will never be fully there.

I am so going to miss all of the people in my group.  Just being with them every week was so healing,  so comfortable, so satisfying.  I am about to cry just thinking about how much I will miss them! They saw me for who I truly was and still loved and accepted me, and I am so thankful for them!

I only hope that I can stay where I am in this peace,  and that I will find a way to share what I have learned with others.

Here’s a new poem that was inspired by my newfound peace…

Freely you called me to be
Who I am
Not a slave to who I should be
Alone in myself
My strength found in the conscious uncoupling
Of my self-seeking need
And my insecurity
This strength a battle
My battlefield
Your words a shield
My defense against
The roots of dissension,
Noxious pretention,
Dragging me down into
The soil of yesteryear
Now newly cleansed,
I feel you calling me
To share
To freely declare
Peace in the
Radiant azure song of salvation
To the world.

So, here’s a poem about my recent struggle,  figuring out how much of a plan God has for me…

What I always knew
What I always hold on to
Is that step by step
You guided me
Each stone laid out perfectly
Going in the right direction,.
That if I listened,  I followed,
I would find
Your way, the right way, peace.
I want to stay there.
I want to know that when I arrive there,
It will be where I am supposed to be,
So there is somewhere I am supposed to be,
Not just whatever it be will be.
Yet I stand paralyzed,
A crumbling monument to the
Glory that might have been
Had I closed my eyes,
Unclenched my fists,
And fell.

I want to live with abandon

So, here’s a poem I wrote at my small group retreat this weekend that expresses what I’m working on right now.

The silence
It calls out to me
“Listen to the truth.”
But I am too mindless,
Too busy striving to stop
And hear the voice
That I am loved.
Don’t have to earn it,
Don’t have to keep proving it.
It is always there, from God.
All of this is getting me
NOWHERE.
Only leaving me exhausted and
Still feeling alone.
I am who I am
All my mis-steps and mistakes
And that is ALL I need to be.
Rescued, cleansed.
I am free!

Here’s a new poem,  based on my recent struggles.

Who am I?
When all is stripped away?
The voices deafened,  silenced.
When I don’t have to be
The love,  the peace, the everything
To everyone?
When the deep stillborn shadows
Cloud my mind no longer?
When I can peacefully roam,
No longer afraid?

May each illuminated,  fractured imperfection
Joyously proclaim my newfound freedom
The glory of my rescue
The brilliant redemption.

I am worthy AS I AM.

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