My random thoughts and sometimes poems

So, tonight was the final meeting of the spiritual formation group I was in, called Theodyssey.  I could write an entire book on how it has changed me, but I will summarize it in just a few sentences.

It has made me someone who is much more at peace with who I am, not trying endlessly to be whatever pleases other people so I can feel accepted and loved.  I don’t always worry about if I did enough to earn their approval or that one small mistake or awkward moment is going to make them think less of me, or not want to have a relationship with me any more.

I don’t think I am ever not going to care at all what people think of me, but it is so freeing to not always be striving for something that will never be fully there.

I am so going to miss all of the people in my group.  Just being with them every week was so healing,  so comfortable, so satisfying.  I am about to cry just thinking about how much I will miss them! They saw me for who I truly was and still loved and accepted me, and I am so thankful for them!

I only hope that I can stay where I am in this peace,  and that I will find a way to share what I have learned with others.

Here’s a new poem that was inspired by my newfound peace…

Freely you called me to be
Who I am
Not a slave to who I should be
Alone in myself
My strength found in the conscious uncoupling
Of my self-seeking need
And my insecurity
This strength a battle
My battlefield
Your words a shield
My defense against
The roots of dissension,
Noxious pretention,
Dragging me down into
The soil of yesteryear
Now newly cleansed,
I feel you calling me
To share
To freely declare
Peace in the
Radiant azure song of salvation
To the world.

So, here’s a poem about my recent struggle,  figuring out how much of a plan God has for me…

What I always knew
What I always hold on to
Is that step by step
You guided me
Each stone laid out perfectly
Going in the right direction,.
That if I listened,  I followed,
I would find
Your way, the right way, peace.
I want to stay there.
I want to know that when I arrive there,
It will be where I am supposed to be,
So there is somewhere I am supposed to be,
Not just whatever it be will be.
Yet I stand paralyzed,
A crumbling monument to the
Glory that might have been
Had I closed my eyes,
Unclenched my fists,
And fell.

I want to live with abandon

So, here’s a poem I wrote at my small group retreat this weekend that expresses what I’m working on right now.

The silence
It calls out to me
“Listen to the truth.”
But I am too mindless,
Too busy striving to stop
And hear the voice
That I am loved.
Don’t have to earn it,
Don’t have to keep proving it.
It is always there, from God.
All of this is getting me
NOWHERE.
Only leaving me exhausted and
Still feeling alone.
I am who I am
All my mis-steps and mistakes
And that is ALL I need to be.
Rescued, cleansed.
I am free!

Here’s a new poem,  based on my recent struggles.

Who am I?
When all is stripped away?
The voices deafened,  silenced.
When I don’t have to be
The love,  the peace, the everything
To everyone?
When the deep stillborn shadows
Cloud my mind no longer?
When I can peacefully roam,
No longer afraid?

May each illuminated,  fractured imperfection
Joyously proclaim my newfound freedom
The glory of my rescue
The brilliant redemption.

I am worthy AS I AM.

Something I am just now realizing I have always struggled with is believing that I am worthy of being loved. I am extremely hard on myself,  and I am constantly obsessed with trying to do things,  to impress people,  to try to prove that I am worthy of love.  But it’s never enough…I always have to keep doing more.

I’ve been working through this issue in my small group,  and pondering it even more in my head, and I’ve realized that the reason I am constantly on this search for love is because I don’t feel loved in the way that I give and receive love. My love languages are quality time, and acts of service. And I express my love (or feel I should express my love) in a completely selfless way, by dropping whatever I’m doing for myself so I can help and attend to the needs of others.

This isn’t a bad thing. In fact,  it’s probably Christlike love. The problem is that I expect completely selfless love, response,  and attention from those people I consider friends and family all the time,  and I expect myself to show love all the time by doing those things,  and that expectation just isn’t realistic.  I have other obligations,  and other people in my life that I have to tend to, and so do the important people in my life.

I don’t have a solution for this, since it’s not like I can change my love language.  I guess it’s just something I will have to keep working through, and praying for,  and waiting for God to heal me of.

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