My random thoughts and sometimes poems

So here’s a new poem for you all. It’s been awhile since I wrote any poetry…

Am I
To a stone

A figure,
Farther upon the horizon

Gazing across
The chasm,
Ever expanding

Their cadence sings,
Each measure combining
In stop-motion phases

I am static
I am silent
I am safe

I am a flag, royal blue
Furling slowly
As my brilliance fades away

When will I find my future,  my rhythm,  my song?

So, tonight was the final meeting of the spiritual formation group I was in, called Theodyssey.  I could write an entire book on how it has changed me, but I will summarize it in just a few sentences.

It has made me someone who is much more at peace with who I am, not trying endlessly to be whatever pleases other people so I can feel accepted and loved.  I don’t always worry about if I did enough to earn their approval or that one small mistake or awkward moment is going to make them think less of me, or not want to have a relationship with me any more.

I don’t think I am ever not going to care at all what people think of me, but it is so freeing to not always be striving for something that will never be fully there.

I am so going to miss all of the people in my group.  Just being with them every week was so healing,  so comfortable, so satisfying.  I am about to cry just thinking about how much I will miss them! They saw me for who I truly was and still loved and accepted me, and I am so thankful for them!

I only hope that I can stay where I am in this peace,  and that I will find a way to share what I have learned with others.

Here’s a new poem that was inspired by my newfound peace…

Freely you called me to be
Who I am
Not a slave to who I should be
Alone in myself
My strength found in the conscious uncoupling
Of my self-seeking need
And my insecurity
This strength a battle
My battlefield
Your words a shield
My defense against
The roots of dissension,
Noxious pretention,
Dragging me down into
The soil of yesteryear
Now newly cleansed,
I feel you calling me
To share
To freely declare
Peace in the
Radiant azure song of salvation
To the world.

So, here’s a poem about my recent struggle,  figuring out how much of a plan God has for me…

What I always knew
What I always hold on to
Is that step by step
You guided me
Each stone laid out perfectly
Going in the right direction,.
That if I listened,  I followed,
I would find
Your way, the right way, peace.
I want to stay there.
I want to know that when I arrive there,
It will be where I am supposed to be,
So there is somewhere I am supposed to be,
Not just whatever it be will be.
Yet I stand paralyzed,
A crumbling monument to the
Glory that might have been
Had I closed my eyes,
Unclenched my fists,
And fell.

I want to live with abandon

So, here’s a poem I wrote at my small group retreat this weekend that expresses what I’m working on right now.

The silence
It calls out to me
“Listen to the truth.”
But I am too mindless,
Too busy striving to stop
And hear the voice
That I am loved.
Don’t have to earn it,
Don’t have to keep proving it.
It is always there, from God.
All of this is getting me
Only leaving me exhausted and
Still feeling alone.
I am who I am
All my mis-steps and mistakes
And that is ALL I need to be.
Rescued, cleansed.
I am free!

Here’s a new poem,  based on my recent struggles.

Who am I?
When all is stripped away?
The voices deafened,  silenced.
When I don’t have to be
The love,  the peace, the everything
To everyone?
When the deep stillborn shadows
Cloud my mind no longer?
When I can peacefully roam,
No longer afraid?

May each illuminated,  fractured imperfection
Joyously proclaim my newfound freedom
The glory of my rescue
The brilliant redemption.

I am worthy AS I AM.

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